Sharing the Open Wound

This post was scary for me

Last week I posted a vulnerable reel. It was about me hiding drunk Matt from you all.

I don’t get hammered all that often, but for a long weekend at The Gorge Amphitheater to see my favorite band, Dave Matthews Band… I got real drunk. All three days.

I also only smoke weed once every 2 months or so.

But you better believe I got high every night too.

I’ve been sober curious for about 2 years now.

My brother is over 800 days sober.

Lots of people in my community and other people I admire don’t drink much or at all.

I probably “only” have 2-5 drinks every weekend now-a-days anyway, but I constantly… and I mean constantly, think about stopping completely.

​You can watch the reel to learn more about my thoughts around my drinking, but I want to share how scary this reel was for me to post and what’s happened since.

Hiding the open wound

As I got deeper into teaching people to be more vulnerable and diving into the world of storytelling, I’d hear this suggestion all the time: Share from a scab, not an open wound.

I began sharing this idea with my clients too. I thought it was a good strategy for them to feel safer sharing the stories they are “healed” from rather than the pressure to share the raw stuff that still hurts a little… or a lot.

That was until I realized that I’ve never healed anything by keeping it hidden.

I can imagine a literal open wound on my forearm.

It’s too painful to even look at, so instead of cleaning it and dressing it, I hide it. Even in the summer I choose to wear sweatshirts so nobody will see my awful wound.

I even jump in the pool with my sweatshirt on!

It’s weird at first. Bulky and heavy. But over time, I get used to it.

Over time I don’t even think about being the weirdo who never takes off his sweatshirt. It’s simply who I am. I get so used to hiding the wound that I am now just sweatshirt guy.

I eventually find groups of other sweatshirt wear-ers and in the summer, I go swimming with them to feel a close sense of belonging.

I have found safety and community. Something I never had before or maybe even because of this wound.

Even though I don’t truly love it because I move slow in the pool.

I don’t love it because I never jump off the diving board because going too far below the surface is dangerous with such a heavy and wet sweater… Even though I see how fun people have jumping off the diving board, I don’t do it.

Deep down I think, “I don’t fucking care about being teased. I want this new life!!”

But now I can’t remove the sweatshirt because I would upset my new community.

What would they think if I took off the sweatshirt and lived boldly?

“We don’t do diving boards” they say.

They’d feel threatened if I did.

They wouldn’t like that.

No…

I can’t do that.

I risk being alone again which is far worse than staying in the shallow end of the pool with my sweatshirt on.

So, despite desiring change, I hide it.

At home alone I close the blinds and take my sweatshirt off. The wound doesn’t look so good. YIou lightly touch it and it hurts. It’s not getting any better.

I wake up in the morning, sweatshirt off and blinds still closed, and journal about it. I hate being sweatshirt person. I imagine what it’d feel like to go swimming without all this weight. But that future feels so far away.

Impossible.

I don’t even know who I am any more.

I am so ashamed.

I can’t let the world know how confused I am.

They can’t know how much hiding the wound hurts…

Us sweatshirt-wearers… we don’t really want to change, we just like to talk about change.

Because if we change, then who are we?

At least I know who sweatshirt guy is.

It’s far easier to keep being him than the unknown of “shirt-off boldly confident guy.”

Maybe I’ll be ready tomorrow.

Maybe more journaling will do it.

Maybe another breathwork session will make me brave.

Maybe tomorrow.

But not today.

Or…

What would happen if I was brave to let the world see the wound?

Puss and all.

The shame.

The confusion.

The fear.

Telling everyone how scared I am to abandon my sweatshirt fam, but so badly wanting to feel the sun on my chest.

Not having any idea what I really want and what’s on the other side but just knowing that I’d love to bounce on that fucking diving board.

What if you owned it?

All of it.

Took my shirt off and walked up to that diving board and just fucking jumped.

My Sweatshirt

I had the idea for this reel on Monday during the long 5 hour drive home sitting in silence contemplating my life. Classic hungover depressive state 😂

Thanks alcohol.

I shot my self a voice-to-text note in Notion and was really excited about creating it on Friday (I batch all my content on Friday)

As I created the video I had two thoughts:

1. I wore the sweatshirt all weekend I was ashamed I didn’t have the willpower to not drink even though I didn’t want to. I labeled that as pathetic. And now I was gonna let everyone know that truth AND the fact that I was hiding Bud Light cans when I was taking videos so that when I used these videos in a Reel, you all wouldn’t see me with a bud light in my hand. This felt truly embarrassing. But I was gonna own it.
2. I’m so afraid Jasons is going to hate me for this and that I will be disowned by my “sweatshirt wearing community”

As Thursday came around (10 days after I had the idea to make the reel) I was so nervous to post for the reasons stated above.

But, despite all my fears, I knew posting this is another step toward owning what I want and learning to trust myself to deal with the results, even if they throw me into my own worst hell.

Here’s what happened…

Drinking

The next weekend, without even trying or thinking about it, I didn’t have a single drink.

This is the first weekend I can remember since college (I’m 34) that I haven’t drank on the weekends (excluding Sober October I did in 2022 which was so fucking hard).

I have been sober curious for 2 years!!

But this weekend was not a concerted effort. I didn’t have to check in with myself. I didn’t have to stay at home to avoid friends who were drinking. I just didn’t drink.

Sounds a little crazy that it was so easy.

I honestly can’t explain it except to point towards this reel.

I owned the open wound.

I owned what I wanted.

And finally made effortless change.

(I even went to see Hozier three days after DMB and remained sober)

Jason’s response

That night after I posted the reel my old high school friend (elementary school actually) who I speak to once every 3 years, texted me and said this:

This felt really good to hear from him. I was proud and happy.

Yet, of course my mind goes, “why did Jason send this to him. He probably sent it to be like, ‘WTF is Matt even talking about?’”

We always think the worst don’t we?

Then a few days ago Jason and I jumped on FaceTime to talk about my brother’s wedding and the first thing he said to me was, “Dude that video was fucking incredible!”

Wow.

Can’t you just feel the lightness that poured over me in that moment.

Becoming a magnet

I think when you own your open wounds you become a magnet to exactly what you want to receive out of this lifetime.

Not only did Jason love this but it attracted my old elementary school friend to reach out and say something.

Not only did I not lose my “sweatshirt wearing” community, but I attracted even more of a loving community to me as well (re: all the beautiful comments on that reel from a lot of you 😊).

We spend so much of our lives hiding our wounds and letting them fester only to (sometimes secretly) wish deep down we could just release them and the pain that grips onto us so tightly.

So release them.

Own it all.

What would life be like if you got brutally honest with yourself, let yourself love what you want, and boldly share it with the world?

Discernment

I’m aware that this email may create some strong feelings.

I hope you can meet those feelings with love and curiosity.

What I recommend is to have your own discernment over what you share and find out where your next level of vulnerability lies.

You may not always be able to go right on to social and share an open wound. That may not even be a good idea.

In fact, if I trusted myself even more, I would have told Jason how I felt before posting the reel.

That may have offered up a beautiful conversation between the two of us, brought us closer together, and have reduced or eliminated all the anxiety I held for those 10 days before posting.

If you struggle posting the truth so openly on social, I would first:

1. Share that truth with an individual. A friend, family member or professional who can hold space for you to hear you and not judge you.
2. Share that truth with a trusted group like your friends, mens/womens group, or even a community you’ve invested in. I know I struggle sharing when I don’t fully understand how to articulate what I want to say, so I don’t and I keep it in.
   1. I have a mens group and therapy group I vulnerable share with when I have no idea how to articulate what I want to say or have no solutions to offer.
   2. We do this all the time in my membership Growth.
      A member will share something with us they have been unable to share on social and they get if off their chest. It’s not so scary anymore and they have taken one step closer to taking their power back. I don’t have exact stats, but I’m pretty sure 100% of students who share on the group calls end up sharing on social. They have taken an even bigger step in taking their power back over the story.
      If you want to learn more about Growth, which is open for enrollment now, click here and I”ll send you an email.
   3. Being the vulnerable one in the group isn’t only healing for you, but it empowers the rest of the group to be more vulnerable which elevates the entire group and comes right back around to elevating you.

Kintsugi

I want to leave you with this excerpt from Rick Rubin’s book, The Creative Act

Instead of throwing away the broken pot or continuing to hide it, fill it with gold and… yeah Rick’s right, it might not make you money or get you 1,000 new followers… but it will allow you to take your power back. Even if nobody sees the gold inlay pot, YOU will have a beautiful pot that you love and the skills to make more of them.

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📚 For your next read, learn about how to effectively share from the open wound. It’s all about going from disempowered to empowered so you can show up as a leader from your audience (so they see you as one, instead of a peer). READ HERE​

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Thanks for taking the time to read this today.

With love,

Matt