“Everybody please make their way to their tables!” someone shouted.
Cocktail hour was over and that meant in just a few moments I would give my best man speech.
As guests shuffled their way under the tent behind me, I faced the Narraganset Bay where my brother, Adam, and his new wife, Liz, were posing for a few more photos backdropped by the Newport Bridge.
Midway between the tent and the bay there I stood alone, an absolute nervous wreck, pulling in deep breaths, slowly easing my nerves as I watched my best friend wear the biggest smile as he wrapped his arms around Liz and the shutter snapped away.
They say nervousness and excitement are the same feeling in the body as if that’s supposed to help you feel less nervous.
How could I possibly wrap up 34 years with the person who has meant the most to me in my entire life in an 8 minute speech?
Of course, I couldn’t.
I can only do my best.
I hope this was mine.
“Here is the list of greatest speeches of all times!” my friend announce to a group of guests.
“One: Matt’s best man speech. And two: MLK’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech!”
The small group cheered as I was pulled aside by the Maid of Honor’s father, still in tears, who told me, “That was the most beautiful speech I’ve ever heard.”
He pulled our handshake into a hug he whispered in my ear, “I am so incredibly happy your family is apart of ours.”
I was then approached by woman in a beautiful blue floral dress, “You don’t know me, but I am Liz’s friend from college. You had me weeping the entire speech. I have two boys, 6 and 8, and if I do nothing right as a mom, I hope the one thing they have is a relationship like you and Adam.”
I heard this from 3 more moms that night.
I think all 211 guests got a chance to come up to me and to let me know I had them crying during my speech.
I don’t share all this to boast (or maybe I do 🙃).
I share all this because I want you to know that you can give a great speech whether it’s a best man speech, a talk at a conference, or you’re telling “your story” on a podcast.
There are a lot of things I can teach about telling a great story (which is what all speeches are). Most of them have become a natural way of writing and speaking to me now through practice and coaching it.
Sharing everything would turn this post into a book, so I will reference my other posts at the end and share with you why I think they’re worth the read. It’s truly everything that came together to make this speech what it was.
Today, I will share how I worked through my struggles in writing this speech and the 4 major things that made this speech so powerful and how you can implement them in your speeches or stories.
But first, maybe you’d like to listen to the speech.
My girlfriend was kind enough to record the whole thing so I threw it up on YouTube.
Watch it here.
Three Major Blocks
One of the most important ideas around storytelling is the famous quote, “No conflict, no story.”
While I do believe you can tell a story without conflict. It’s far more powerful if you do. As Pixar’s first rule of storytelling states, “We admire a character for trying more than for their success.”
Adam and I haven’t really had any major conflicts that would define our story.
Sure, we fought when we were younger like any brothers, but these little fights didn’t define our relationship or story.
This was my first major block.
Another major block comes from another important aspect of storytelling which is to begin in a moment (more on this below). From childhood, vacations, our childhood home burning down, high school, sports, visiting each other in college, endless summers, living in NYC, dating, jobs, literally everything… and I’m supposed to pick one moment.
Yikes.
The final major block was the pressure I was putting on myself.
Not only does this feel like the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I am storytelling coach and content creator. This better be fucking good.
Begin with the Stuck-ness
I couldn’t get myself to sit down and write this. It was too big. Too overwhelming.
So I cleared 2 hours in my schedule and went for a walk with Telly 🐶
One central theme in any story is super important. Too many themes get’s messy and confuses the audience. Be sure to know your central theme. Of course, a best man speech would obviously be about our brotherhood and friendship.
Knowing the central theme was a great first step. It allowed me to just start without having any idea where I was going. So that’s what I did. I just began speaking out loud as I paced the park.
The key here is to not edit or worry about structure and flow. Definitely don’t worry about judgement. Nobody has to hear the first (2nd or 3rd) drafts. You simply need to get your thoughts VERBALLY out of your head.
So I began messy.
“If you don’t know I Adams younger brother by 15 months. I am also a storytelling coach. I know that a great story has conflict. I know that all 211 of us will bond more deeply if you learn about how Adam and I have overcome some big struggles together. Just like Pixar says.
But the problem is… Adam and I don’t have some major conflict. Sure we fight like any siblings do. Like one time…”
And so, by stating my blocks out loud—to nobody—I got unstuck and the story began to unfold.
Now the real work began: constructing a beautiful speech.
Please note: What I share below is not an exact order of how I uncovered all this. It was for sure a much more messy process. In this process I would revisit ideas, refine them, move things, remove things and rewrite. However, I knew I needed to eventually get to a clean place with these 4 major concepts.
Another note: Staring messy is literally how I begin forming 90% of my content. Also if there’s ever a story I want to tell but I’m unsure of the central theme, I just begin telling it and eventually the theme reveals itself.
Alright, lets ride!
1. Beginning in a Moment
As I paced the park, I kept thinking about the truth of mine and my brothers relationship.
- I know other brothers say their brother is also their best friend, but Adam and I were better friends. We really did do everything together as friends, not because we had to.
- I know I’ve looked up to Adam my whole life. When I was 14 I thought I’d be sober my whole life until Adam cracked a beer in our basement and I thought, “fuck it, I’ll have a beer.” (I still look up to him for almost everything)
- I know that we have each others back no matter what. Even if we were wrong, we’d knock out some kid at Madison Square Garden for each other.
A big mistake in a speech would be to go with what I just wrote.
Listing things is extremely boring and don’t make people feel emotion. I am also probably not going to talk about how Adam was my inspiration to drink at 14 years old or how we got into fights in college.
So where do I begin?
As I closed my eyes and pictured Adam’s face I smiled and relaxed a little. That’s when I knew I had it.
The memory of his first girlfriend’s birthday party was swirling in my brain but I wasn’t sure how to use it until I realized it was a perfect mix of how Adam always brought me along with him, he always lead the way into new experiences, and always had my back and made me feel safe.
2. Conflict, Truth and Emotions
It’s really cute to imagine Adam and I never had conflict. But is that really true?
It was time to get really honest with myself.
As I said in the speech, we have called each other our best friends our whole lives, but what is a best friend? Have I really been a best friend to him? For a lot of my life I just felt like the little baby brother.
So if I’m the baby brother, am I truly his best friend?
Best friends have a beautiful give and take. You both offer each other guidance and support. Have I ever really offered Adam and guidance and support in this relationship the way he’s done for me?
This idea is incredibly important because, “everything is perfect all the time” is not at all realistic or relatable.
Maybe we never had conflict directly, but don’t we all sit with doubt, worry, anxiety or fear over the things we love? That’s a sign the things we love really matter. When you love something, there is always conflict. If you let yourself be honest with yourself, you can find that conflict and learn to love it. If you love it, it’s easier to share.
Here’s the thing.
I know everyone feels these doubts about their siblings, partners, or friends but it’s a truth a lot of people are too afraid to talk about with anyone, let alone at a wedding in front of 210 people.
We are not different.
I know I’m not alone in my fears.
It’s the same reason we love music, books, movies and other forms of art. They put into words what we can’t. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a brother, you will find yourself in my story because these emotions are universal.
By sharing my conflict (fear, shame, anxiety, doubt), I open the doors for others to see themselves in me. That’s when we feel less alone. We feel seen and heard. We all feel deeply connected. That’s all we all ever want.
3. Show Don’t Tell
When you can imagine yourself in the room with the storyteller it makes it easier to connect to the emotions of the story. Just imagine reading any book. If you can picture an old house at night with it’s chipped paint, warped floor boards, and spider webs, then you can place yourself in that house and thus it becomes much easier to feel just as scared as the main character.
People tend to either leave out imagery and details or add too many unnecessary details. You need details to pull people in, but you should only include as many details as you need to properly create or add to the central theme.
I wasn’t just at a birthday party, but I was at the Waveny Mansion, in New Canaan, Connecticut. It doesn’t really matter what kind of mansion you picture, but knowing I’m in a mansion makes the party a bit more grand which makes my being there as the younger brother more contrasting.
I could say that I just hung out with Liz, but if you know Adam you know that he always takes a joy ride after dinner around Ocean Ave in his Jeep with the doors off. It’s a small detail that makes it more personable and allows everyone to picture the scene, and even more so for those that live in Newport and know the exact views of Ocean Ave. You can even hear a cheer from the crowd at this moment.
Then there is the most important detail of all that, in my opinion, makes this story so beautiful.
It’s one thing to tell people I feel safe around Adam, it’s another thing allow people to imagine themselves looking up from the spinning bottle at the mansion party, looking into my brothers eyes and feeling this sense of safety (which yes, is also hilarious).
Showing is so important because it enhances the emotion of the story.
If you’re telling a great story by showing it, you don’t need to tell people how you feel, they will feel it.
In Lion King, Simba doesn’t look at the camera and say, “I’m sad my dad is dead.”
Instead, you watch him witness his dad fall from a cliff and land in a stampede. He then stands over his father’s limp body crying, “Dad? Dad?”
To get better at showing vs telling, ask yourself, “if this was a movie, what would I be seeing?” Then explain that scene.
4. Closing Loops
Chekhov’s gun is a narrative principle that states that every element in a story should be relevant to the plot and have a purpose. If there is a gun on a table in act I, then the gun must be used in act II or III.
- Do not include moments or details in a story that you do not intend to use later.
- If your story feels like it lacks, then put a gun on the table.
Of course, in this case, I’m not writing fiction. I don’t want to lie and make something up. I want to tell the truth from my heart. However, in coaching people, I have found that you can always find a motif that can be used to enhance the central theme of a story.
A motif is a recurring pattern or element in a story that supports the central theme.
The most famous use of this is the use of light and dark in Romeo & Juliet. The two things cannot coexist, just like these two doomed lovers.
I used several motifs to support my central theme of being a true best friend who supports you to be the best version of yourself. Then each motif must be closed out to leave the audience feeling satisfied and complete. (This is not the Soprano’s. You cannot end on a black screen leaving the viewer question what the fuck happens. Save that for your next book, not for your speech.)
A few of my motifs and how I tied them back in:
- My intro joke: “They say marry your best friend… well Liz really fucked that up for you and I didn’t she Adam?” to ending with, “There’s nobody in the world—beside myself—that I’d want to be beside Adam the rest of his life.”
- Meeting each other’s eyes and feeling safe. The same way I did (and always have) at the mansion party to watching them share those glances every time I see them.
- (the core theme) Best friends challenging and supporting each other to be the best version of themselves. Adam has done that for me, I’ve done that for him. Now I’ve seen that they do it for each other and it has brought us all closer. Best friends and family 💗
Finally, the most important loop of all: Adam and Liz.
Every great wedding speech ties in the bride and groom. It’s the whole point of why I’m here at all giving this speech. It can’t just be about me and Adam, but I have to tie in Liz. While, that may be obvious for a wedding, it’s worth remembering that whatever speech you give, the context of the venue and audience will dictate the entire message.
The not-so-great wedding speeches throw the other person in as an after thought. “Oh and Liz you’re a great person and I’m glad you’ll take care of Adam.”
Blah!
Unless you truly don’t like who this person is marrying or you’ve never spent time with them, I think that’s lazy. I hope there’s redeeming qualities you can find in this person and I challenge you to understand how their personality enhances the other person based on real moments you’ve witnessed.
Like I said, this speech took a lot of work, but this part was easy. I have truly been surprised by Liz’s thoughtfulness and ideas many many times. I love that about her so I knew it’s what I wanted to say about her in this speech. Once I uncovered this story about my brother and I, flowing Liz into the central theme was easy.
Two Bonus Tips
1. Being funny
Every great wedding speech includes humor and it’s usually a great idea to start with laugh.
- It relaxes you
- It relaxes everyone else (anyone else get second hand anxiety as someone steps up to the mic just praying they do a good job?)
- It’s an easy way to deepen connection to you and the audience
Just be sure you don’t embarrass the wedding party. If you have to make fun of someone, make fun of yourself.
(I was worried my speech wasn’t really that funny and was too serious. Turns out I was wrong. I think if you can get people to relax, they are already emotional and ready to laugh, so you got that on your side.)
2. Kill Your Darlings
I actually started my speech with that original idea about Adam and I fighting. I told a hilarious story how I swung a golf ball at him and nailed him in the leg.
I had this whole thing about how every great story have conflict, but we are not a Pixar movie or an 8 minute wedding speech. Our lives are not defined by our fights, but by our love.
It was awesome, but it was a whole additional theme.
I would have had to tie up that loose end with all the other loose ends. It was getting to be too many themes AND too long.
Less than a week form the wedding my speech was over 1200 words. I honestly knew it was too much, but I was struggling deleting it. I loved the joke and the theme. They were my darlings.
Luckily I was feeling pressure to keep me speech shorter. So I deleted.
Once I did, I knew it was better.
I chopped off 25% and got it to right around 900 words.
Sometimes, you gotta kill your darlings.
Let them go. Delete. Delete. Delete.
It’s going to be better. I promise.
Summary
- If you’re stuck, share the stuck-ness. Get it out of your head.
- Begin in a moment to pull the audience in.
- There is conflict. Confidently share your emotional truth to get your audience to feel seen in a way they never have before.
- Don’t tell people how you feel, show them.
- Close all your loops. If you can’t, delete it.
Thank you so much for being here and being interested in this stuff.
I really love how this work allows us all to connect on such a deep level.
It’s also not lost on me how lucky I am to have the brother and family that I have.
I am truly grateful for everything.
With Love,
Matt
Have a speech coming up?
I’ve been hired to write a Maid of Honor speech before and she crushed it.
I helped my dad write his rehearsal dinner speech and he had everyone in tears.
If you want support in writing an effective speech, I offer one-off calls which you can book by clicking right here.
| 📚 For your next read Here are next readings to support you in your next speech or story. 5 keys to present a a powerful speech. Delivery is SO important. How to uncover the core purpose (or theme) of your story How to turn any moment into a powerful story for your business (instead of just listing things) |
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