My girlfriend Natalie and I committed to an adventure every Sunday for this new year and so we headed off to the Badlands of Oregon.
The original idea was to snowshoe up Tumalo Mountain for Sunrise but we were unsure about the road conditions in the mountains to the west so we decided to have a slower morning with meditation and journaling and then head out east.
As we rolled through the rocky parking lot Natalie pointed toward a forest service road that would take us to our trailhead.
If you aren’t an avid camper, a service road can range from a two-way dirt packed road to a single lane dirt path littered with rocks and pot-holes.
We were on the latter service road.
With my pompous attitude of “not driving like a little bitch” mixed with my Subaru Impreza which has quite possibly the lowest ground clearance of any car on the road… we were in for a treat.
About quarter of a mile down the road, dodging holes and rocks I began to veer around a giant puddle (because who the hell knows how deep or what’s below the murky water surface).
Then I heard the loudest scrape and BANG I’ve ever head inside a car (and I’ve hit a deer going 50 mph before).
I looked at Natalie and said, “Oh noooo I didn’t see any rocks this way!!”
I got out to look and… some how still didn’t see anything.
As I slid back in the car I noticed the engine overheat light blinking red.
With a sigh, I offered Natalie a smirk and said, “oh boy!”
I backed up, clunked the bottom of the car again, and turned around to head back to the parking lot.
Before going any further I got out to check under the car and saw fluid dripping from the bottom of the car at an alarming rate.
With another sigh, I drove the quarter mile back off the service road to the parking lot and decided it best not to drive the car any further.
We got out and called a tow truck.
ETA: 90-120 minutes.
I guess we got our adventure.
While we waited for the tow truck I began wracking my brain for the meaning of all this.
Why did this happen?!
What lesson am I supposed to learn?
This is going to cost money to repair. Am creating from a place of lack and manifest this?
It ruined our adventure day. Am I being punished because I promised Natalie we’d snowshoe Tumalo mountain for sunrise but I let “bad roads” be an excuse for not getting up early even though the roads probably aren’t even that bad, I just didn’t want to commit to getting up so early.
I could feel myself needing to uncover the meaning of all this.
Underneath all the sighs, smirks and quiet demeanor, I was an internal mess.
The more ideas I had on what this could mean the more frustrated and anxious I became.
So I shared it with Natalie and listened and held space like a pro. She offered reflection but I didn’t listen to a word she said. I was trapped inside my own mind spinning in circles.
Until finally leaning up against the car, I found space to pause and ask myself, “What’s the purpose of assigning meaning to this? What do you get if you know why this happened?”
If I just understood the meaning I’d be able to relax and move on from this moment. Then I could could prepare myself for the next moment. And even if I could prepare for the next moment (which I can’t because the next moment is completely unknown) then I would feel relaxed because I would feel in control of the situation.
Ah… that’s what I really want. Control so I can relax and feel safe.
Is this process of assigning meaning relaxing?
Nope.
I was reminded of a quote Flynn Skidmore once said, “Being safe is being the person who knows how to be in love with life even if no one understands you.”
I thought the same thing applies here, “Being safe is being the person who can relax even if the world is crumbling down around them.”
This is being present.
That is flow.
To be fully immersed in an activity without creating stories about the past or future. Living in the now knowing that you have the ability to handle whatever comes next without needing to know what comes next.
The need to know dropped liked a ton of bricks and I felt light and free.
I didn’t need to know why this happened or what the cost of the damages to my car would be. Whatever comes next, I can handle it just like I always have. I’ll be safe just like I’ve always been.
2024 wasn’t the year I wanted to have because I approached everything with force and control.
If I can do more work then I will hit my revenue goal then I can relax and feel safe.
All of the work I was doing was to try to control outcomes.
I had lost the ability to be present and therefore had limited access to flow, creativity, fun, and joy.
More specifically, toward the second half of the year I was doing this with my content. It’s likely one of the reasons I’ve lost 4,000 followers after having gained 38,000 this summer.
I would look at my content that did well or went viral and try to breakdown the reason they went viral and force those ideas into my future content.
I hoped that if I knew for certain what worked that I would guarantee more success.
I didn’t trust myself to relax into the next idea, which is ACTUALLY the reason why the other content did so well in the first place. I was flowing with my ideas. Letting my creativity, energy, excitement and joy guide me.
Not forcing.
I was flowing.
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