Today I want to offer you the two tangible steps I’ve taken to become more love which has improved my performance and results in tennis, relationships, and of course business and content creation without having to work harder or force the life and results I desire.
It was my first time playing tennis one-on-one with this older woman last Monday.
Towards the end of our second set we were switching sides and she mentioned how she hits so well against the ball machine but worse against people.
I said, “oh yeah… I make content about personal growth and have talked about the ball machine vs playing against people.” [watch that reel here]
Excitedly she said, “oh tell me all about personal growth!”
In that moment I was free to fully express myself and my ideas knowing they wouldn’t be weird or rejected. She gave me permission to be fully myself which allowed me to feel safe and relaxed. Immediately when we started paying again, I began playing my best tennis of the year.
I believe this is the game of life: How quickly can we feel safe so we can relax and be ourselves, which allows us to perform our best?
Most people wait to be themselves until they are invited to be themselves. Until then, they can’t fully relax.
This feels like the story of my life.
Like in 2021 when I joined a social group in Denver and it took me 4 months showing up to events every week until I finally felt part of that tribe. For 4 months I was quiet and reserved. Observing. But my true self was aching to be let loose and bring the energy into the room.
When I finally let loose, I began having more enjoyable conversations and meeting new people I connected deeper with.
Why do we wait so long to just be ourselves?
The other night playing tennis, I can see that typical scared and reserved version of Matt too afraid to call himself a content creator for fear that this older woman would negatively judge me and so, I wouldn’t have said anything.
I would have allowed that fear to be in control. That fear would have lead to more contraction and tightness the rest of the night while playing and contraction leads to a worse performance, not just in tennis, but in all things.
But not last week!
Last week I owned it without even taking time to consider her judgement of me.
By owning that statement, “I make content about personal growth and have talked about that.” It set her up to either to accept it or reject.
The real challenge would have been if she rejected it.
Would I feel rejected?
Then tense up and play horrible tennis?
Or can I still find safety within myself to relax anyway?
I don’t think I could have. I’m not that secure (yet).
However, I think we get to safety and relaxation faster, not necessarily in the moment, but as Flynn Skidmore talks about, by becoming love in all moments throughout our day.
I have been working on becoming so much love this past month that more of these people and interactions are drawn to me (this is probably what I’ve been doing for years, but now it’s a more conscious effort). This is why I play with a woman who wants me to be more my authentic self vs one who rejects my most authentic self.
It’s less about needing to figure out how to find love and safety in a prison cell (undesired environment) so you can get yourself into a lush rainforest (the desired environment). Instead, you become so much love that YOU become the rainforest. You are the thing that attracts lush, rich, thriving life.
Think about this with your content…
Are you so afraid your truest self will be rejected by your audience so instead you are waiting for something else to give you the permission to be fully yourself?
If so, when is that gonna happen?
How long are you willing to wait?
What if it never happens?
Are you okay with that?
Or are you taking bold action to become love by saying and sharing what you truly want to say with the world?
Do not try to find the rainforest, become the rainforest.
In order for you to get permission to be yourself, you must first be yourself.
When you do that, you get one of two things:
- You get what you want → Acceptance and permission You get all the love and support and engagement you dreamed of and now you can continue to be more fully yourself. You have become the rainforest that attracts the lush, rich life.
- You get the lesson you need. Rejection. Low engagement. Hate comments. And do you let that dictate who you get to be? Will you shut down or will you become more love? Will you continue to become the rainforest?
Here are the two tangible steps I’ve taken to become more love which has improved my performance and results in tennis, relationships, and of course business and content creation without having to work harder or force the life and results I desire.
1. Beginning my day at +10 Love
I recently just finished re-reading “Becoming Supernatural” by Dr Joe Dispenza.
Most simply stated, this book is about becoming love.
It’s learning how to break the patterns that cause us all to default to our unwanted emotions that keep us safe. Emotions like fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and lack.
The mind has become conditioned to listen to the body. We feel the pit in our stomach and we listen to that feeling and believe we are in lack. But we don’t have to listen to our body. Dr Joe wants us to think greater than how we feel. To take back our control. Our power.
“Warning: when feelings become the means of thinking, or if we cannot think greater than how we feel, we can never change. To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.”
The core way Dr Joe has the reader do this is through meditation.
I’m sure you’ve all tried to meditate at least once.
You know the feeling when you’re in meditation and you’re like, “okay… I’m good. I got shit to do!”
That thought came from a feeling in the body.
You got this anxious feeling in your body because you have a long check-list that you need to get done. You have work to do and money to make.
You need to do the work to change that feeling.
So we listen to that anxious feeling and take action. We create from that space of anxiety.
Can we instead notice that feeling, then notice that thought, and not respond to it?
To sit a little longer. Don’t let the body control the mind.
You are safe. You are fine.
The moment you feel like you get up is the moment you get to practice becoming greater than the body. To practice becoming love instead of letting the anxiety, or any feelings, control you.
Meditation becomes a practice of becoming love.
I love starting my day with this practice.
I picture it like I’m a video game where my character eats a giant heart and grows like Mario and is now stronger because he is filled with love.
I could jump right into the day neutral. With zero love and zero fear (or lots of times with a little fear).
Or I can increase my chances of having a better day by starting it with +10 love.
Maybe, as I get better in my meditation practice, I can start my day at +20 love.
What do the rest of my days begin to look like when start them all on a high?
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There are less tough moments, the tough moments aren’t so tough, the good moments are great, and my heart is open to endless possibilities in the unknown (where magic, delight and surprise happen).
But wait!
Doing this for 10-20 minutes a day with your eyes closed isn’t enough.
20 minutes a day is 2% of your waking day (assuming you sleep 8 hours). If this is all you do and you go back to living life as you normally do, you’re spending 98% of your time practicing those old patterns of letting the body control the mind.
We need a secondary practice to compliment our lifestyle.
2. Upgrading my relationship to EVERYTHING
When my best friend Taylor was visiting last month, we were on our way to a popular coffee shop I hadn’t been to but knew had a tiny parking lot and a few parallel spots on the street in front of the shop.
As we were about a quarter of a mile away, I turned to him and said, “I always get a great spot. Parking spots are begging me to pull into them.”
If you know me, you know I said this with a little sexual slur.
Wouldn’t you know it, as we pulled into the lot, a car was pulling out of the very first spot right next to the door.
As my mom always says, “Front roooooooowwwww!”
Later that day we went paddle boarding on the river that runs through town. THE most popular spot, and therefore, the most packed parking lot in the city.
We watched as people lugged their heavy paddle boards from the parking lot, across the street, and down toward the river.
I began my parking spot manifestation ritual.
Of course… we got a spot in the first row as close as you can get to the river.
Taylor and I went wild in the car.
Towards the end the day, I took him to most popular eating spots in the city. There is ONLY parallel street parking in front. Otherwise you’ll have to find a spot to park on one of the side streets a few blocks away.
As we came within a quarter mile, I began my manifestation ritual for the third time that day letting the universe know how eager parking spots are for me to fill them.
Wouldn’t you know it… one parallel spot was open RIGHT in front of the entrance.
Then I effortlessly maneuvered the most beautiful parallel park job in the world.
Slid right in. Didn’t even need to pull forward.
A guy sitting at the outdoor bar having a tall beer began going nuts for me.
“OH YEAHH!!! THAT WAS PERFECT!!!” he shouted.
I stepped out of the car and bowed.
“I’M BUYIN’ YOU TACOS!!!” he joked because the taco shop closed just a few minutes earlier.
I approached him laughing to dab him up and he once again congratulated me on a perfect parking job.
Taylor and I were smiles all evening talking about, not just my ability to get parking spots, but how my loving relationship to parking spots also attracted more loving relationships. This random guy hyping me up and filling my cup.
This isn’t about parking spots.
This is a practice of becoming love in any and every moment.
This is about becoming the rainforest.
Getting more of the results you want AND attracting more situations and people who exude love into your life.
Parking spots are easy because getting the front row spot is low stakes.
Does it really matter if I don’t get a spot and we have to walk a few hundred feet? Of course not.
Because it’s low-stakes, it’s easy for me to transform my relationship to finding a spot AND pulling into the spot to one of immense love.
- What do I want? I want to feel the joy of finding a front row spot
- What does the parking spot want? It’s wants a car to park in it. Not any car though, it wants me and my love to park in it more than any other person or car on this earth.
Is it silly?
It could be.
But if previously my relationship to parking was, “I never get a fucking spot, this is so fucking frustrating,” then I’d say, silly is a much more preferable experience than that.
Unless, of course, you want to feel frustration. Then you have nothing to transform. You are achieving your goal.
I work on doing this in lots of low stakes areas so I can more easily do them in high stakes places.
What’s my relationship to making the bed, pouring coffee, hitting a button to call the elevator, or throwing my trash away?
- How does the bed want to be made? how do they sheets want to feel as I pull them tight?
- How does the coffee want to be poured? How does the mug want to be filled?
- How does the elevator button want to be pressed?
- and so on…
Nothing is bad, it’s simply your relationship to it.
Instagram isn’t bad. The algorithm isn’t bad. It’s your relationship to it that you are displeased with it. And you have a chance to transform that relationship.
Practicing this on low stakes like a parking spot, doesn’t just transform your relationship in that one situation, it carries over to everywhere in life.
Transform your relationship to one of love and you’ll begin experiencing more love in all ways.
Higher-Stakes & the Endless Game
So the parking spots are easy. What about when it’s hard?
I can hear my best friend Taylor saying, “there are levels to this shit!”
Just because I’ve gotten good at getting parking spots doesn’t mean “I’m healed” or that I always get the spot. The stakes may change.
Even writing this email now puts pressure on me to find spots all the time. My relationship to finding parking spots has evolved and now, I must transform my relationship to the pressure I am feeling.
Tennis and content are also two areas that are much higher stakes, which makes it harder to become love in the moment.
Tennis
I am loving improving my skills and also notice how “slow” the progress can be.
[[Slow is in quotes because rate of change is all relative. How should I know how long it should take me to improve my tennis skills. I don’t have a comparable measure to anyone else’s growth at 34 year old with my exact background and relationship to the game. There’s a metaphor for your content if you’re paying attention.]]
It’s easy to get frustrated when I don’t play as well as I want to because I really want to be good and win more matches.
What I’ve found is that the frustration with my play mostly stems from my perception of others.
If I don’t play really well, other people will perceive me as not as good. And I hate that some random lady on the court next to me might not know how good I am.
It’s so easy to frustrated with tennis because I love it, it really matters to me and—unlike the parking spots—it’s a direct reflection of my abilities, skills an athleticism. Not getting a parking spot (while I would argue based on the conversation we’re having in this email that it is a direct reflection of my skills and abilities) doesn’t matter to me all that much.
I bet you feel the same with your content.
It’s a direct reflection of you and the business you have built.
If your content sucks, you suck (at least that’s what you think people think).
But what would happen if we became more love?
What if we practiced becoming love in lower stakes situations.
I’ve been making content so long, but it can still bother me when a post doesn’t do as well as I want it to because it really matters to me.
Yet it doesn’t bother me like it used to. I can really quickly get to a place of curiosity and love with my content. My relationship to under-performing content has drastically evolved over the years.
Tennis however… that shit really gets to me. I am not nearly as good at becoming love in the moment.
But last week, I had a huge breakthrough.
I was practicing my serves and was either hitting them into the net or going long. I couldn’t seem to find any consistency with getting them in.
So I filmed myself.
I noticed when hitting the ball my body was too upright.
This error was causing me to not get the results I wanted.
I loved that I saw this flaw.
I knew exactly what to practice on my next serves to get the results I wanted.
I made those changes and the ball began going in on almost all of my next serves.
If this happened a few months ago, my entire hour on the court would have been a downward spiral into frustration and the serves would have only gotten worse.
But this time, I didn’t have to catch myself or convince myself to love it, I immediately saw this mistake and loved it.
It was automatic.
- Old experience: I fucking suck → I can’t get this right → I should be better than this by now → tightening and rigid → less serves go in → I pack up my bag with frustration → I stomp out of the club annoyed → negativity pours into the rest of my life and everyone I interact with
- New experience: Ooooo I see the flaw → oooo I love the flaw! → I lovingly make minor tweaks and allow myself to relax and use that relaxation to create more whip in my arm and wrist → more serves start going in → ooo this is so fun!! → I pack up my bag smoothly and with a huge smile → positivity pours into the rest of my life and everyone I interact with
The old experience doesn’t get me the results I want and it attracts more experiences and more people who are in alignment with that energy.
The new experience gets me the results I want and attracts more experiences and people who are in alignment with that energy.
This is the result of practicing becoming love in all the low-stakes moments, so that when I’m not getting the results I want in higher stakes moment—when I probably don’t have space or time to pause and think about becoming love like I do when approaching a parking lot—it’s automatic.
There of course will always be times in tennis—and content as well—where I react and don’t show up as love. What was once a difficult time to become love (practicing by myself) is now effortless.
What was once difficult to show up as love (playing against another person like this woman), has now become more effortless.
The next level?
It’s still hard when I play with other men my age who I view as peers. And it’s definitely harder during a meaningful match that can change my UTR tennis ranking.
This practice is not about arriving. It’s not that you will ever fully heal shame, embarrassment or fear, but you will reach a new level to contend with. Maybe that’s more vulnerable content, a new style of content. Maybe it’s sales calls, maybe it’s speaking on stage, etc.
Celebrate the wins in which a situation that used to trigger you no longer does and look forward to the next level of growth with love and curiosity.
Content as a practice on becoming love
I want you to use the entirety of the content creation process as a practice of becoming love.
Below I share various ways in which you can see the content creation process in a new light.
So many opportunities to become love.
As you scroll, is it with love?
- Are you pissed because that girl in the program you took is going viral but you know you’re smarter than her, or are you excited for her and know for certain, if she can do it so can you?
- Do you see a post you wish you made and love it so much but are pissed because you’ll never make something like that. Or do you save it for later and get excited to set up your office all cozy with a candle and your favorite song and use that post you love to steal like an artist and make it your own?
As you create content, are you meeting it with love?
- Do you avoid looking at the content you’ve posted? Do you cringe when you see it? Do you feel shame because it’s not as good as you want it to be? Or do you watch it with love and curiosity asking yourself, “what one improvement can I make today?” a nd then you get to love making those small improvements and watch the results change.
- If you hate making a video because it’s taking too long, can you love uncovering how to be more efficient with the process? Are you meeting the perfectionist in you with love and curiosity or are you pissed at being a perfectionist and shaming this part of you?
The performance of your post, are you experiencing it with love?
- It only got one comment. Are you appreciating the hell out of the one person who commenting and pouring love into them?
- The video only got 100 views. Are you observing content you love and asking what you can do next time to make the post 1% better?
Is content ruining your day or week?
- You haven’t posted in 2 weeks and that feels like a failure and it’s exhausting to think about which is effecting date night. Or can you love that you gave yourself permission to not post for 2 weeks so you could focus on other stuff that filled your cup?
- You got a hate comment and now you’re questioning your worth and intelligence. Or you love noticing that maybe you didn’t articulate that point as well as you wanted and this comment is giving you the chance to improve your communication.
Everything is simply feedback and an opportunity for you to become more love, but it’s not as simple as the reframes I gave above.
Just thinking, “Oh I’m so happy for her” when you’re actually frustrated that that girl is having more success with her content than you is not enough. Rather, I have found success in learning to meet that frustrated part of myself with love, which can be difficult.
However, as you practice the two strategies I offered above, I do believe it gets easier.
Little by little, a little becomes a lot.
Summary: The goal isn’t perfection
The goal is not perfection, it’s small improvements over time.
Taking loving action → viewing the results as data → getting lovingly curious about the results (including your feelings that surround those results) → making changes with love → repeat
- Begin your day +10 by feeling love. This doesn’t have to be meditation, maybe there’s a better practice for you. If you wake up staring at your phone and then feel anxious, that’s data. Staring at your phone ain’t working. Get curious about new ways to change that habit (you could start by putting your phone in another room and buy an alarm clock for your bedside table). Maybe staring your day with movement, journaling, or jumping right into work fills you with love. Start there.
- Create the practice of noticing your energy throughout the day when you engage in low-stakes tasks. Transform your relationship to ANY task into one that is filled with love.
- Challenge yourself to become love in higher-stakes situations.
Thanks for being here.
I truly hope this helps you as this has what has helped me live a happier and more joyful life. One where I feel like I am more and more myself in every moment everyday.
WIth love,
Matt
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